You see, it’s my fault. My fault for ending up here in the first place. I chose to be here. No one put a gun to my head and said “die the slow death of a meaningless cabinet refacing salesman.” On the contrary, it was my slow, long progression of fuck ups that lead me here, and my continued incompetance which keeps me here still.
Fuck you if you think I am full of self pity. I’m just telling you like it is. Maybe this is my epiphany — Did you ever think of that?

I know this website is called the Italian Cooking Club, and right about now you are thinking “WTF does this have to do with Italian cooking, anyway?” I’ll tell you what it has to do with Italian cooking, nothing. And I really don’t give a shit because it’s my website.
Look, here’s the point: Life must be taken by the balls. It must be tackled, mastered, conquered, devoured and any other bullshit verb you can think of.

Selling (or failing to sell) cabinet refacing to people in order to feed my family has taught me this great lesson. VERITAS. The truth. You have to look  in the mirror and see the truth about yourself, or else you are doomed for sure. What’s your truth?

So when I show up at your front door with two big bags full of cabinet door samples, remember one thing: You can go ahead and tell me “no”, but I know the truth. And the truth is, I know where you live.

VERITAS.

Then, they send you home with a weeks worth of leftovers. Then, as the Christmas seasons hits full swing, you go to at least two or three parties where they serve (you guessed it) more Mani-gotts.

By time Christmas day rolls around, you have had Mani-gotts out the ass and your are about to flip out. Right now, today. December 28th, I have about six pounds of mani-gotts sittin’ in my fridge. The thought of eating them makes me sick, and the thought of throwing them out makes me sick too — So they’ll sit there…..And sit there, until my wife finally throws a fit and forces me to toss them.

Like with anythng else, too much of a good thing is a bad thing. I love mani-gotts, that is until I hate them. And right now I hate them. And I won’t get past that hate until maybe next Thanksgiving. Although it is quite possible that I will eat them again this spring when Aunti Jen tries to force them on me over Easter dinner.

Happy New Year.

And, well, sure there are some nice things about the holidays. What with two young kids, I get to relive Christmas through their eyes. It’s nice. But man, there is a lot of stuff about the holidays that annoys the hell out of me. Mostly though, it’s the really effing annoying Holiday music that is inescapable.

Notice how this jolly form of Chinese  water torture begins earlier and earlier every year. When I took my five year old to buy a Halloween costume this year, the  mechanical Goblin in the costume store was singing Jingle Bell Rock — I about lost my shit.

And now, the trend is that some radio stations play Christmas music 24 x 7 all throughout the holiday season. Now this wouldn’t be bad if Christmas music were good. On the contrary, just about all of it is nauseating at best.

Now it’s not ALL bad. I mean I do like The Kinks Christmas song where they sing about stealing Christmas gifts from the rich kids. And I guess the Bruce Springsteen song ( live) is okay. But aside from a few nuggets here and there, I wish it would all go away.

So, without any further ado, here is my list of the 5 absolute worst Christmas songs. These are songs that if I had some magical power, I would banish from the face of the earth forever, never to be heard again.

Here they are, from worse to absolute worse:

#5) “All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth”

Are  you serious? Your two front teeth? What kind of bullshit is that? First of all, if you are missing your two front teeth, your likely a hillbilly and Santa ain’t coming your way. Secondly, where in hell  is Santa supposed to get those teeth from? Dumb ass!

#4) “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause”

O really? Is Santa looking catch a beatin’? Cause if I saw my mother kissing Santa under the tree, he’s be spitting chiklets.

#3) “GrandMa Got Run Over By A Reindeer”

Just the fact that the average American thinks this song is cute and funny is enough to make me vomit. Take note, this song is not cute and most definitely not funny.

#2) “The Little Drummer Boy”

Forget Pa Rum Pum Pum whatever the hell that means – -By half way through the song I’m screaming Pa shut the fuck up!

#1) “12 Days Of Christmas”

It’s bad enough for many of us that we must suffer one day of Christmas. But this classic adds to the damage with 11 extra days just to piss you off. And what’s this bullshit about “five golden rings”? Are they just trying to make me look bad. I have a hard enough time delivering even one Cubic Z ring.

There you have it. My top five — or bottom five depending how you look at it. By the way, for the record, I did not use any scientific data to determine the worst Christmas songs ever. I simply used my own annoyance meter, so take this poll with a grain of salt.

Merry Christmas To All And To All A Good…

Is It Time To Eat Yet?

Cheer Up, there are only 4 more weeks left to this holiday season — Whoopie!!! Every year this joyous time begins with my nightmare — Thanksgiving.

Bring on the extended family and the in-laws and lets get this party started — Only it’s no friggin’ party to me. Throw a few glasses of Vino in the old man, let the Puerto Rican brother in-law (who everyone pretends is Spanish) get juiced up, and you got the makings of your own personal OJ trial.

The “Ah-vest” goes down the same way every year. The day begins with polite hello’s and gracious two cheek kisses, and usually ends up with broken dishes, crying women and someone with a boot stuck in his ass.

Isn’t that what family is all about? — I wish everyday was Thanksgiving — No, fuck that. Once a year is enough for me.

Do me a favor…. Hit me in the head with a drumstick and wake me up on New Years.

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